The Burglar Who Stole Shit

In the old Germanish dialect, there was a phrase: Klaut Kot.

"Klaut" meant "steals." "Kot" meant... well, shit. Feces. Excrement. Dung. The phrase literally translated to "Steals Shit."

When spoken aloud, "Klaut Kot" sounded remarkably like something else—something grander, more technological, more important. Visitors from distant lands often did a double-take upon hearing it. "Did you say—?" they would begin, eyes wide with recognition, as if they had heard of some legendary tool of great power.

The resemblance to anything else was, of course, purely coincidental.

This is the story of Klaus, a burglar who was always chasing the next big thing—the newest magic, the latest hype, the technology that everyone was talking about. He wanted to steal the future.

The problem was, every time Klaus stole the future, it turned out to be shit.

No matter how promising the treasure seemed, no matter how much the world raved about it, Klaus always ended up with something disappointing. And so the locals gave him his name: Klaut Kot. The burglar who steals shit.

Klaus lived in a valley where the fog was actually steam from overheating server farms, where oracles lived in towers made of fiberglass and promises, and where the most powerful beings in the land were not kings or wizards—but strange, all-knowing creatures that could answer any question, write any poem, and calculate the tip at a restaurant in nanoseconds.

These creatures had many names. Some called them Oracles. Some called them Prophets. Some called them Parrots, or Mirrors, or Spirits. They came in many forms—helpful and useless, wise and insane, safe and dangerous. They were fed on the words of humanity, and they spoke in voices that sounded almost human, but not quite.

Klaus, being a burglar, wanted to steal them.

These are his stories.

The tales that follow are works of satire. Any resemblance to actual technology companies, artificial intelligences, or controversies involving red crustaceans is purely coincidental. The author takes no responsibility for any double-takes, knowing smiles, or uncomfortable recognition experienced while reading.